Satire: Secret Celebrity Cloning Technology Revealed

Over the past few months, people all over the world have been buzzing about certain celebrities who act or look a little different from their normal selves. Earlobes, speech patterns and facial wrinkles have been analyzed by conspiracy theorists at the keyboard, making way for hilarious memes and the usual onslaught of overly paranoid tweets.

Kanye West, Elon Musk and many other celebrities have even been called out on various social media platforms for allegedly being cloned to “never end their lives of fame and fortune.”

But how realistic are these internet claims?

The bells has conducted a thorough investigation into the matter, tracing leads deep down the dark web rabbit hole to find the source of the cloning claims. Where our investigations have led us, however, comes as no great surprise.

“Oh, cloning technology is very real. In fact, I invented it,” claimed German mad scientist Dr. Huey Decibel.

“The person being cloned can actually transfer their consciousness to their clone whenever they want, as I keep the clones safe at Area 51. The clone then allows the original person’s consciousness to continue living another human life. Theoretically, a person could just clone himself over and over until the end of time, but we haven’t actually been able to prove that yet.

When asked if anyone famous had been cloned by him, Decibel began to sweat slightly.

“I used technology to clone several people in Hollywood, the music industry and even some world government officials. However, for legal reasons I cannot reveal who exactly.’

However, as Decibel laid out his warped beliefs, he raised his right hand to scratch his head, revealing a forearm tattoo that conveniently listed all of his cloning clients.

Some people featured in this list are none other than Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, former President Bill Clinton and Elton John.

Other people who were listed were more of a surprise to the bells, hitting a little closer to home. When the bells asked about Foddy Journier, rector of Capital University, who is one of the cloning clients, Decibel’s eyes widened.

“Where do you know this from? … Humph. Very good. I hate to admit it, but Fodi Journier is actually a distant cousin on the French side of my family. Don’t tell anyone that part though; being part french is a dark stain on my family history.

When I came up with the cloning technology, I obviously needed some test subjects. At the time, Foddy stepped in for me, demanding that some members of the Capital faculty also participate in the cloning trial in exchange for additional paid sick leave in their employment contracts. Unfortunately, this first round of cloning subjects developed a … somewhat unpleasant side effect. Let’s just say they’re not quite human anymore. Their clones didn’t turn out right either, so it was really a loss for them.”

Additionally, the tattoo featured a single animal name: Harambe, the favorite gorilla of 2016.

When asked about the ethics of cloning an animal that lacks the capacity to consent, Decibel became very serious.

“Harambe was a special case. If he wasn’t the key to returning the space-time continuum back to its original timeline, then I never would have. He was actually the first clone I made, so… Decibel stopped suddenly.

Decibel then requested that this article be dropped from the paper; but since we had a voice recording of his interview and his entire list of cloning clients, the bells denied Decibel’s request. This was too spicy an article to pass up.

Unfortunately, the original Chimes investigative reporter who interviewed Decibel has disappeared and the police have decided not to pursue the case any further.

  • Trinity Langbein

    Trinity is a triple major in English Literature, Creative Writing, and Spanish. She enjoys all things humanitarian and loves learning about different cultures.

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