We all snap sometimes, it’s only human, but that doesn’t mean snapping can’t go too far.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong to tell his wife that it would be more helpful if she cooked and cleaned. He wrote:
“AITA for telling my wife she’d be infinitely more useful cooking and cleaning than chasing her dream?”
I am 39 years old and male. My wife is 36. We have two sons, 5 and 3 years old. Two years ago, my wife approached me one day and said she was interested in making some money from Instagram. I thought it was a good idea since she was home during the day and couldn’t work because our younger son was still too young.
We are fortunate that I make enough money to comfortably support our lifestyle, and I encouraged her to do so. Unfortunately, in the past two years as a hopeful Instagram influencer, she hasn’t earned a cent. Her previous attempts at gaining followers were for postpartum fitness, and since she knows nothing about fitness, it went nowhere.
She tried to make exercise guides where she would do these weird mobility moves and they would only get a few views. She went on to do makeup tutorials that also failed, probably because there are a billion of these channels out there.
Then she jumped on that part of the train of life where she would make videos about her day, but honestly they were all pretty boring and she didn’t get any attention. The problem isn’t that she’s trying. The problem is that she spends most of her waking hours on Instagram and sidestepping her household chores.
I wake up at 5am, go for a run, come home, make breakfast for everyone, then make lunch for our older child and myself and take him to daycare. I go to work until about 5pm, come home around 5:30, make dinner for everyone, wash most of the dishes, tidy up a bit, bathe our sons, play with them and go to bed.
She wakes up at 7:45, usually later because she’s been up late on Instagram, lays on the couch while I do everything, and while I’m at work she works more on her Instagram. Any attempt to get her to do something is met with a complaint.
I finally had enough of her the other day because I walked in the door to a complete disaster area of things strewn everywhere, unwashed laundry and a sink full of dirty dishes. I asked what she had been doing all day, to which she replied that she was “busy”.
I snapped at her and told her that her Instagram was going nowhere and that I put up with it for two years longer than I should have and that she would be infinitely more helpful cooking and cleaning. She got this horrified look on her face and left. She went into the bedroom (looking at her phone naturally) and left me to deal with everything tonight. AITA on how I reacted to her?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Red light0516 wrote:
There’s a reason these things are usually side hustles until they get big. It’s hard to do. Having no job, no income, and no contribution to the household is not a realistic way to be a good partner. Could you have phrased it better or more tactfully? Sure, but I can see how you’d just snap right now. NTA.
Hyperfixum wrote:
NTA
I think your reaction is a normal breaking point. She tried. You have to be encouraging about it.
She even spun around. It’s not that you don’t believe in her. But it didn’t work one bit. The kids are still so young and she misses time to bond with them and you. It’s not healthy. Her continuing to do so is detrimental to your family rhythm and routine, not what you imagined family life would look like. Ask if it is what she imagined?
What does an average day look like? I feel like she is now so disconnected and staying up late that she feels like she is addicted to her phone and social media. This is why social media is so wicked, it changed her priorities that started out so innocent (being creative and bringing in extra cash) to where her family is a burden. Turned her brain to mush.
Sometimes this happens because as mothers we are in sensory overload during these early years and it is so easy to calm down with dopamine from the phone. I would approach it as an addiction, that it’s not about supporting dreams or pulling her into a SAHM role, but rather about her not balancing her “career” and not neglecting her relationship with her family and not pulling burden with household chores.
I’d say it’s to the point of drawing a hard line. A year of getting off social media and just focusing on your family and marriage. That no grown-up phones can be around your kids (you’ll both go to another room if you need to look up a prescription or take a call), and both phones go in the drawer at dinnertime and before bed.
Redistribute household chores, commit to reading books together (a fair game method), and if necessary, have digital detox escapes. Be willing to support new growth like gym memberships, skill sharing classes, hiking mom groups. Just… not MLM or coaching schemes. But she needs an identity outside of motherhood.
-_Bittersweet_- wrote:
NTA, even if she was making money, she would still be neglecting your kids and all her work as a stay-at-home mom. You should have centered the conversation around that, she may want to be influential, but she still has to do her jobs.
I’m sure with kids in kindergarten she’ll still have time to be an influencer, many of them center their content around cleaning the house or cooking.
mifflewhat wrote:
NTA. She thought being an influencer would be easy, but she was wrong. Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she’s not the right fit. When your children grow up, she will have to figure out what she can do with her life. At the same time, she will have to take on more of the household tasks.
Never mind Manatee wrote:
ESH. Of course, her “career” goes nowhere and causes her to neglect her family.
But should I click her? Dude… it’s not like it started yesterday. You had plenty of time to sit down with her and TALK like adults about it instead of shouting insults.
Top_Put1541 wrote:
The truth is, she is no useful to her partner or her children as it is. And that’s not sustainable. When she’s ready to talk, tell her you’d like to see a business plan for identifying an unserved market and building her audience, as well as a timeline for turning a profit.
Tell her that if she’s going to treat social media like a job, then she needs to present herself as a manager with quarterly goals, growth and revenue projections, and action items. It’s 2024.
There are plenty of materials for her to use to get started. And if that’s too much to ask — then she either needs to get a job (even if the salary is eaten up by daycare, at least she’s on the Social Security rolls) or she needs to up her game on the home front to prove, that it still wishes to be a viable marriage/family team. You are NTA in my opinion.
Psychological plum961 wrote:
NTA and frankly you should tell her that unless she gets her head out of her ass (aka social media) and starts pulling her weight around the house, you are going to divorce her. And I think so. It’s like social media has really corrupted some people’s brains and taken over their lives!
Remarkable_pie_1353 wrote:
ESH. Your post overflows with contempt for your wife. This will cause the two of you to divorce if you don’t replace the feeling with concern and healthy problem solving regarding this conflict. She could be depressed, addicted, attention hungry, whatever. She needs to see a therapist.
You two should also go to couples therapy because your 2 years of growing anger culminating in your recent outburst is dysfunctional. You need therapy to learn how to work as a team and resolve conflicts in healthy ways.
Stinkadore11 wrote:
It makes me incredibly sad that your very young children are second fiddle to Instagram. NTA, you’ve been more patient than most people would be, I’m sure! While I understand that your wife has ambitions, it’s obviously not working out the way she hoped. I just want to shake her and scream that her kids are being neglected by her for what?!? Fake life.
It’s troubling to me that she doesn’t feel bad watching you do all the housework while she sits there. This makes me think that this is a deeper issue altogether. I would give an ultimatum, put the phone down or I’m leaving. It sounds drastic, but there is no way my wife could be scrolling through Instagram all day while I was taking care of 2 small children. She misses her own life!
It is clear that the Internet
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