In the year since the Surgeon General issued his well-researched report on the epidemic of loneliness and isolation, I’ve been thinking a lot about possible solutions to help people who struggle to connect with others.
One idea I came up with is what I informally call “story circles.” Everyone has experienced things that make a good story. The trick is telling that story to a listening audience—even if it’s an audience of one.
Telling good stories opens up a world of opportunities to connect with others—and connecting with even one person can make all the difference.
So what defines a good story?
In my opinion, a good story is rich in detail and at its core demonstrates the ability to change.
We can all change and we have.
One of my favorite quotes is attributed to St. Augustine who wrote: The deepest desire of the human heart is to belong, to be welcome, to know that you are seen and worthy of kindness.
I believe that telling our own stories and listening to the stories of others can help create that deep longing for connection, acceptance and love that is part of human nature. The question is: what prevents it?
Brené Brown says the answer is simple. She says it’s shame, which is actually the “fear of interruption,” according to Brown.
Honestly, I’ve seen a lot of people tell stories that end up not connecting with others. Instead of stories that offer an honest assessment of things and expose their own vulnerabilities, they tell a different version – sometimes it’s too bright and shiny, too rote or too exaggerated.
Sure, there are still great storytellers out there who embellish and entertain, but it’s a different kind of storytelling than what I’m talking about. In this kind of storytelling, as in the rest of life, vulnerability turns out to be the key.
Sometimes when we tell our own stories, we do so by bypassing this vulnerability. In fact, if we’re not intentional in our storytelling, bypassing vulnerability is often our default mode. Instead, there are keys to being a better storyteller:
- Telling the truth about what happened instead of glossing over the parts where we may not shine as brightly as we would prefer;
- Giving appropriate credit to someone else;
- We talk about the parts that didn’t turn out the way we hoped.
There’s a fine line between being vulnerable and oversharing—and, without a doubt, talking too much isn’t the answer. However, being open and honest about our fears or insecurities helps others be more open to investing in us emotionally.
In a well-organized story circle, the element of time helps with the problem of oversharing—or one person dominating the limited time together. When the timer is running, people tend to be more conscious of what they say. The secret: a pocket watch or phone with a strong timer.
The rules for how long one person speaks must be followed for the story circle to work. Otherwise, believe me, one person will talk too long. They mean no harm. Some people just lose themselves right now.
Depending on the size of your group, between four and eight minutes is the perfect amount of time for one person to speak. The facilitator should announce the words up front and be very clear in the timing of the storytelling circle. This process can work one-on-one or with a group of up to eight people.
The story circle is based on the idea that in order for connection to happen, we must allow ourselves to be seen and tell real, unrehearsed stories from our lives—and we must listen.
Brown says this relationship comes down to a sense of dignity. I believe that telling our own stories and listening to others can help people find more of a sense of dignity – and the two-way street there is essential in the process. Embracing someone else’s story helps each of us understand our own humanity.
To further paraphrase Brown, the only thing keeping us out of a relationship is our fear of not being relationship worthy – so it’s a vicious cycle.
I believe storytelling and story circles can change that.
As Frederick Buchner said: My story is important not because it is mine, but because if I tell it right, chances are you will find that it is in many ways yours.
