People have different types of relationships, including partners, spouses, children, friends, colleagues, neighbors and acquaintances. Different relationships involve different interactions, responsibilities and influences.
Every relationship has boundaries or rules of engagement. You may be conscious and conscientious about these boundaries, or they may have formed subconsciously.
Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries helps you establish and build healthy relationships and avoid unhealthy relationships with people.
Why set boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries is necessary for your health and the health of your relationships. Living within these boundaries you create is critical to reducing stress and increasing life satisfaction, especially the responsibilities and tasks in your personal and work life.
Anxiety and stress develop when you take responsibility for the emotions, behavior and thoughts of others. Many anxieties that people experience are due to poor boundaries.
A principle I am referring to is the “law of relationship”. It identifies that you cannot control what others think, feel or do, and you are solely responsible for what you think, feel and do. Identifying and stating the boundaries in relationships that support this law clarifies where your responsibilities and authority stop and the other person’s responsibilities begin.
Think about how you feel when you are given a task to complete but are not given the resources you need to complete the task. This can make you feel anxious and worried. The same feelings can arise when someone tries to make you responsible for their emotions, thoughts, and behavior. Healthy boundaries are critical to your well-being.
Creating your boundaries
Setting boundaries can be challenging at first, especially when your education, training, or personal experiences may have led you to establish unhealthy boundaries.
Boundaries are driven by our view of our worth as a person. Your value should not be based on your performance. It is necessary to understand how you currently evaluate yourself and determine whether this opinion is correct.
For example, consider how a parent loves their child versus how they respond to their child’s behavior. Nothing a child does can change a parent’s love for them. A parent may sometimes be unhappy with a child’s behavior, but their love does not change based on the child’s behavior.
Focus on practicing behaviors that support your positive self-esteem. Set healthy boundaries that you can clearly define. Setting boundaries for different aspects of your life takes time and effort. Think about your relationship with your partner, parents and children; your work and colleagues; and your finances.
Answer these questions to help you determine the boundaries you want to set for yourself:
- What relationships bring me stress and anxiety?
- Do I try to control someone’s emotions, thoughts, or behavior?
- Do I feel abused or used?
- Does the value I feel from others change based on how well I fulfill their requests or obligations?
- Should I adjust my responsibilities to bring them into line with the law of relationships?
Also identify the false beliefs that caused you to have unhealthy boundaries in the past. You can do this by identifying what experiences have caused you to feel guilty or disrespectful. Think of times when you felt that you would upset someone or cause anger if you did not complete a particular task.
Anxiety involves expecting something bad to happen and not having a healthy response to that feeling. Pay attention to what you can and cannot control, and again, remember that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions, actions, or thoughts.
Communicating your boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries are often driven by the belief that you can’t say no.
Affirm to yourself that saying no is a way you can help develop healthy boundaries. Saying yes to activities and tasks within your boundaries only makes sense when your no is equally valued.
Saying no to things outside of your boundaries will most likely lead to more pressure to say yes. Have an action plan for how you will respond in a healthy way to something that violates your boundaries. Your plan of action might include practicing saying no in a firm but kind way, or choosing not to talk to someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Long term
Initially, healthier boundaries take a lot of effort to establish and maintain. Over time, you’ll find they become more familiar and require less effort. Your previous pain from unhealthy boundaries will disappear. You will also notice that the pressure to appease others will decrease.
Review your actions regularly to make sure you’re following the boundaries you’ve created, especially during stressful or busy times. A weekly or monthly check-in can help you track your goals and priorities.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do the events you have planned bring you joy and purpose?
- Are your actions consistent with your responsibilities?
- Did you do something to help you achieve a future goal?
- Did you stick to your budget?
Setting clear boundaries in your life will positively impact your self-esteem and overall well-being. Building your self-esteem will help you establish stronger relationships.
Rich Oswald is a psychotherapist in psychiatry and psychology in Eau Claire and Menomonie, Wisconsin.
