Last year, TikTok was full of relationship-based trends like the “Boyfriend Effect” and the “Barbenheimer Effect,” but now in 2024, women are choosing to take a break from dating and romance altogether to become “Boy Sober.”
Getting “boy sober” is exactly what it sounds like, as women choose toxic relationships, situations, and dating apps to focus that energy on themselves instead and live a fulfilling single life.
The term was coined by comedian Hope Woodard, 27, who lives in Brooklyn, New York, when she took to TikTok in the final days of 2023 to announce her “official sober boy rules” for the new year to her 408 000 followers.
Woodard (@justhopinalong) shared how she came up with these rules while she was out with her friend and had a “little focus group” while asking for feedback on her rules from other women at the bar.
The rules of “boysober” are as follows:
- No dating apps
- No dates
- No exes
- No situations
- No xoxo (“hugs and kisses, etc.”)
“All my life I’ve been like, ‘I’m the bachelor, I’m the bachelor, I’m the bachelor,’ no, I’ve never been the bachelor, I’ve always had a situation — you’re not a bachelor if someone’s occupying your brain space,” the comedian said.
Since the video was shared, it has received 592,000 views and people are commenting on their thoughts on Woodard’s “boysober” rules.
One person asked, “Can I fall in love? Like a little crush that I won’t act on, but it makes work and life more fun?”
“I’m taking notes, but I’m not making any promises,” said another person.
Someone else wrote: “I did this for about 6 months and it was literally LIFE CHANGING.”
“I will literally use these rules. 2024 will be boy free. I need my clarity back and focus on me,” commented a fourth person.
With a “boysober” takeoff, indie100 got insight from four relationship experts on how it became a trend.
Founder and relationship expert at The Matchmaker UK, Lara Besbrod believes that women choosing the “boyish” lifestyle is a decision “rooted in a desire for self-sufficiency and personal empowerment”.
“This choice is largely about women wanting to focus on their own growth, ambitions and mental health rather than dealing with the complexities of romantic relationships. It’s not about avoiding socializing, but rather seeing value in solitude for self-discovery and strengthening personal resolve.
“Women are making a conscious decision to prioritize their well-being and achievement, finding joy and fulfillment in their independence and reshaping societal expectations about happiness and relationship status,” she added.
Looking for a romantic partner can also take its toll, with swiping on dating apps leading to burnout as counselor and BACP member Georgina Sturmer noted that this aspect can be mentally “overwhelming”.
A 2022 survey by Savanta found that more than 90 percent of Gen Zs claimed at least one frustration with using dating apps, while another survey in the same year by Singles Reports’ data team also found that nearly four out of five (78 .37 percent) of adults ages 18-54 have experienced “some degree of emotional fatigue or burnout from online dating.”
“The dating scene can be fun and exciting. But it can also feel overwhelming. Choosing to become “boy sober” feels like an active choice for women to focus on their own identity and needs. Instead of being drawn to please someone else or cater to someone else or mold themselves into someone else,” Sturmer said.
While apps make dating “much more accessible to everyone,” Sturmer added how the endless amount of choice and activity can make it “easy to get sucked into a craze of swiping and dating.”
“The dopamine hit of picking a date and messaging someone means that it’s possible to turn the romance process into something akin to a game or networking event. It can make it feel overwhelming and exhausting.”
One of the rules for “guys sober” is “no situations,” which refers to a romantic relationship where no commitment has been established.
Keeley Taverner, an expert on toxic relationships, believes that casual relationships like this and “friends with benefits” have contributed to women choosing to remain single.
“Bare bones is due to ‘friends with benefits’ fatigue,” she said, describing the trend as “a statement of not giving in to lust and is a powerful way to reclaim personal power, exercise self-discipline and take back control.
“This means that time and energy can be focused on personal development without the drain of anxiety and worry that can be all-consuming in dating in modern times (two blue ticks, ‘he didn’t respond’. He’s online, ‘why not ‘ he contacted me?’ He’s on insta. ‘Why is he ignoring me?’) It’s all energy.”
But we also need to look at the online content we consume, where many viral videos are all about first-hand personal experiences with toxic relationships, a prime example being Reese Teeza’s recent viral 50-part series “Who TF Did I Marry” about her ex husband, as well as highlighting red flags on reality dating shows like this one on NetflixThe love is blind.
“The good news is that women are becoming guys sober. For too long, badly behaved men have held the power in dating and relationships,” said Banish London life coach Louise Thulin indie100.
“In a world where ghosting on dating apps is common and many women are mistreated, time out allows women to have space to think, focus on friendships and enjoy the hobbies they love.”
However, becoming “boy sober” is easier said than done – so how do women begin to prioritize themselves over male validation?
“This journey begins with introspection—understanding personal values and finding joy in one’s own accomplishments and happiness beyond external validation,” Besbrod said on the matter.
“Engaging in activities that boost self-esteem and offer personal satisfaction is key. Whether it’s pursuing hobbies, focusing on career goals, or indulging in self-care, the goal is to value our own company and accomplishments, realizing that true validation comes from within, not from the approval of others.”
While Sturmer notes, “Spending time with good friends can lift us up and remind us that we are valued by other people. And tuning out any negative voices or inner critic can help us see if we’re judging ourselves based on the validation we feel or perceive from those around us.”
“It’s a cliché, but it’s true — you have to love yourself to be in the best position to find a partner who truly deserves you,” Thulin echoed similarly. “A break can help you focus on what you really want in a relationship and the ideal traits you’re looking for.”
Taverner concludes, “Self-assertion is a revolution, and it comes with a backlash. It can strengthen you. But it can be crippling.
“Giving yourself space and time to build self-esteem is fundamental to healthy relationships.”
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